I did it again, but I'm back. I swear

Ok I went away, but I have an excuse. I was busy working. I managed to get a contract position, for a couple of months. It's not the greatest job but it does pay well. I'm actually making more than I was at the previous job. The bad news is NO FRIGGING benefits, so I have to apply for Blue Cross for drug coverage, but enough about that. To be honest, it's the environment I don't like, too big and too stuffy. I'm only allowed to do certain things, and if what is needed to be done not in the in my list of responsibility, I can't do it. Even if I know how to fix it. Grrrrr.

I had an interview today for the job that I DO WANT, and I'm one of three people who made the short list. Two of the interviewers flew in from Ottawa, and I was able to make a good connection with them, since my resume included a job I had in Arnprior, which is roughly 20 minutes from Ottawa, so BAM there.

I am one of three final candidates for this job, and they did say some nice things about me. I think the interview went very well, but a little prayer to get this job wouldn't hurt. (OK this isn't become a religious blog but sometimes you need to pray for some help from up high, and not a word from any Atheists, GOT IT). So here's my prayer.

Lord, I know I keep asking for the winning lottery ticket, but you never come through for me on that. I accept that since everyone also prays for the winning lottery that you can't please everyone, but I'm one of three people applying for this job, and if they're also praying to get this job...screw em. It's my turn to shine. Things have been really sucky lately, with all my saving going down to nothing. The last of it will be going to my rent this month because I won't get my first pay from my new job until April 15th.

Lord, I've been good over the years, being kind to others. Heck I've even given money to the homeless recently. I've donated a portion of my paycheques from both jobs to needy causes. I treat everyone with respect. Isn't it time that I get a break?

If this is about the looking at porn and touching myself thing...let me know and I'll work on that. You know, if you were to hook me up with a hot woman, that would stop all together.

So Lord, please give me this job, so I can get my life back on track, so I can fly to London next year and visit Vics. So I can continue my quest to see the world. So I can say I did something with my life. Also, I think you should do it as an apology for sending Ann Coulter to Calgary tomorrow.

Well, hopefully God will reply in a positive manor toward my prayers, and then I can start the job I want very soon. Oh, I walked home from the interview. WALKED!!! It's close enough that I can walk to and from work. Actually I only had to be outside for a minute when I exited a building and closed the street to my apartment. Other than that, I walked through those +15 walkways, so I can walk to and from work in climate controlled comfort. Oh and a weekly toastmasters meeting in the building next door.

I NEED THIS JOB.

My 2 bytes.

It's getting there...I think

Well I attend my first Toastmasters meeting and of course, it wasn't a normally meeting. All I did was listen to other people speak. Not exactly exciting but I'm told that normal meeting will start again in 2 weeks. Hopefully that will help.

I had a good interview yesterday, so good that I think I have a real shot at the job. I don't want to say anything else about it, for fear that someone at the company will have Google alert for their name, but I really want to work there.

The other good news is that I have two more interviews. One on Monday and the other on Tuesday. I'm really hoping that this comes through for me. I really can't take much more of this. I feel worthless being unemployed. I'm disappointed that I can't go out and do stuff. REAL STUFF. I'm still going to London next year...hell or high water.

I'm glad that February is over because February 2010 was the month from hell. I still don't know how I'm going to pay my taxes this year. I always end up paying and a lot of that money went to things like rent. I just need to hold on and keep pushing forward.

I never mentioned this before, but I figure I might as well. I also discovered that I have Type 2 Diabetes. I'm a big guy, and I haven't been motivated to loose weight with the exception of the occasional meltdown to clothes, but now I have a real reason, not just vanity. I've managed to get my blood sugar down, but I'm really getting sick of having to use that stupid meter twice a day. I know that it never goes away, but if I can get to my ideal weight, then it will be one thing less to worry about.

I really don't have anything else to say right now. I'm still finding it hard to blog in general. I have stuff inside of me waiting to come out, like the new Jerry Springer Marriage Ref show, but it's like the words won't come out of my brain. I just hope that I can change that. Maybe the Toastmasters will help.

My 2 Bytes.

Need to stay focused.

Well I didn't blog as much and I would have liked in February, but I did better than any month of 2009, so I am still on my way back to being a regular blogger. I think the key is to not give up on my goals, and not have another panic attack.

I've been having a lot of them lately. I still haven't heard back from Employment Canada about my benefits, and it's the not knowing that's driving me crazy. I feel like I'm barely holding on by my fingertips and that I'm about to fall into the abyss. There are some nights where I wish that I just won't wake up the next morning. I know I need to push on, but it's still so hard.

(UPDATE: I just checked the EI website and I'm getting benefits, so I feel a lot better).

I think the weekend are worse for me because I feel more powerless. I know I'm not going to hear from a potential job opportunity.

I'm kind of a loner, with not many friends in the city. The people I feel close to are either back east or in the United States. I guess that's why I feel more comfortable blogging about my woes to my online friends, instead of talking to people in front of me.

I think that's why I do better on the phone than in person. On the phone, I can be myself, but in person, I come off as nervous. So I've decided to take control of my life again. First thing is that I'm going to take Olly's advice on making a daily to-do list. Between that advice and the book recommendation, she really has been there for me, and I really owe her a thank you. Of course I also appreciate all the words of support from Letti and Erin, as well.

One thing I'm going to do, starting tomorrow is attend a weekly Toastmaster meeting. I picked which one I'd going to attend, and I'm going to do it. I also need to look into taking a few courses to get my certification on some techie things which I won't go into because I don't want your eyes to roll to the back of your heads and then drool to start to run down your face as I try to explain the techno-babble, which you really don't care about.

The key thing is that I'm once again taking control of my life, and I'm not going to spend it in the fetal position. Now that I've checked off another item on the daily to do list, time to work on the book.

My 2 Bytes

I wasted a week of my life.

Seriously. All I did was play Star Trek Online and meet with some job recruiters. Well, the job thing is good, but staying home all week playing videogames? Even I now concede that was all Bullshit.

I talk about doing things like writing a book, which I have started, then I get the idea for the second book which will be fiction, but can I actually get off my ass and do something? No. Instead I spend my week playing a videogame. I know better than this.

I've meet many people who complain about their lives and do nothing about it, and I'm scared that I might become one of them. Heck I haven't blogged in a week.

One of the things that I've been debating is if I should get a bus pass for the month of March. Is this something that I really need? Well after some thought, I decided yes even though it's more money that I'll have to pull from my savings. Sure I live downtown, and everything I need access too is in walking distance, but still, I need to feel like I have the freedom to go anywhere I want to in the city. I did the math, and it would be cheaper, but it's more than money, it's my freedom.

I also think my insecurities are also playing a major role in what is basically my fear of the outside world. i think it shows as well. I appear nervous in front of others in interviews and it's showing. It's being commented on by the headhunters, and I need to do something about it. I was reading one of Vics tweets, and she mentioned Toastmasters International. I've heard of this group before and considered becoming a member, or even attending a meeting. I did a web search and picked where I was going to go and meeting. I'm all set but now that I'm thinking about it, I'm getting scared. Me in a room filled with new people? What the hell am I thinking?

What I'm thinking is that I need to do this. I need to gain some self confidence, because right now I have NONE. ZERO. NADA, and how do I expect someone to hire me and have confidence in me when I don't even have it in myself?

The book has suffered as well. I haven't written a thing in the past week, and that isn't good either. I'm not thinking that my book is going to be part of the Oprah book club, but I need to do something. I don't want a repeat of last week. Sure I managed to get my first toon to the rank of Rear Admiral on Star Trek Online, but an employer doesn't give a crap about that. So tomorrow, I need to do a lot of follow-up calls on potential job opportunities. I need to get up early and do something. I need to regain control of my life.

I need to get off my ass and do something.

My 2 Bytes.

It's all about the Yadda Yadda,

I'm doing better, but not great. Then again, for me great would be wining the lottery and spending the rest of my life in the lap of luxury, for the rest of my life, I'm ok for now. Just ok.

I picked up a book at the library today, something recommended by a online friend. I hope she doesn't mind me calling her a friend. I started to read "How to stop Worrying and Start Living", as recommended by Olly. I haven't gotten to far into the book yet, but I'm hoping it will help. I've also added another one of the authors book on my library hold list.

I still haven't told my mom and dad about not loosing my job, and I'm still hoping that I won't have too, until I get a new job, so they won't worry. To be honest, considering how well I'm doing so far in the job search, I don't think that it will be much longer before I find something. My skills and experience are in demand after all.

I do have a problem with the blog though. I now find myself thinking that my blog ideas should go into the book instead. I'm going to have to find that balance soon between what goes into the book and what goes into the blog. Is there a reason why it can't go into both? I need some feedback on this.

There is one thing that is pissing me off however. Once again, I'm missing an Olympic Games in Canada. This time because I can't afford to go. The last time was my parents fault. They've never been into big cities and they tend to shun them, while I'm the exact opposite. I love walking downtown in the valleys between the glass towers of a major city. I remember just before the Calgary Olympics, my family moved east to Ontario. I DID NOT take it well, and to this day, I feel that this move did sabotage my life in some way.

I've always found small towns to be ...small minded and suffocating. There isn't anything to do. There's nowhere to go other than a local bar (BORING). If you want to see a hockey game, all you have is a local minor team, and some don't even have that. I live within walking distance of the Saddledome, where NHL hockey is played. This city once hosted the world for the world as Vancouver is doing now.

I really shouldn't be blaming my dad for being trapped in a small no future town, but it was his fault. I tried to get any old job just to earn enough money to move out of there, and start a new life but I couldn't even do that. I guess my dad and I just see the world differently. Thank God for that, because I do not want to be my father.

I'm still looking for focus in life right now, and it's just isn't happening. My spirit is all over the place, unable to focus on one thing for long. At least I'm not freaking out anymore. I still have 2 weeks before I have to start doing that, and by that time, I won't have to.

My 2 bytes