Sunday, June 26, 2005

Celebrity Ballroom Dancing: My style

Alright, I checked out this Celebrity Ballroom Dancing show and I've decided that its BORING. Perhaps it's the fact that I'm a straight male, but ballroom dancing doesn't seem to catch my eye. We live in a world with almost a hundred channels (I have more thanks to my dish.) and all they can give me is this? Come on people. Watching celebrities and professional Ballroom dancers compete in front of some snobbish judges doesn't seem like entertainment. Then it occurred to me. The problem isn't the show, but the celebrities. Who cares about Rod Stewart's ex-wife and Evander Holyfield . If your going to make it interesting, then you need some interesting celebrities.

Andrew Dice Clay. Whatever happened to the Dice Man? He was the rudest, most obnoxious asshole on the face of the planet but he sure knew how to fill a room and generate excitement. His career went downhill after that lame ass sitcom so I'm sure he's looking for some money. Can you imagine him with his dance partner? Using that charm of his? What charm? At least he'll be able to afford some more cigarettes and come back from obscurity for a moment or two.

Nichelle Nichols. I'm pretty sure that she's not doing too much except making appearances at Star Trek Conventions. She will attract all the Star Trek fans and hey, she has class and she can sing. Oh and were going to need someone with class after looking at the Dice Man.

Gilbert Gottfried. I honestly feel that this man is one of the funniest, underrated comics alive today. This guy is so talented, from his voice work in Disney's Aladdin to his appearance as Bobby's Mom in the Howie comedy series. This person is the best. I can imagine him talking to his dance partner. "Why are you dress up so nice? WERE ONLY GOING TO BURGER KING. Have you bought Aladdin on DVD yet? I GET A CUT SO GO BUY IT NOW, SO I CAN AFFORD TO TAKE YOU TO RED LOBSTER INSTEAD".

Molly Ringwald. I haven't seen her since "The Stand". That TV miniseries based on the Stephen King novel. I remember it was her with Rob Lowe, Gary Sinise and some other people who I don't remember their names. I know one of them was the guy from "Coach". Again, I think she needs the work. She could dance to that song from "The Breakfast Club"

Mike Tyson. The guy owes the U.S. Government $20 million in back taxes and he's not boxing anymore after that dismal performance earlier this month. So instead of becoming an Aid worker in some developing country, he could become a professional ballroom dancer. The only problem would be that his partner might be concerned that Tyson is a convicted rapist, bipolar and has a history of biting the ears of his opponents. Mike will be dancing and then MUNCH., this guy will take a bite out of her arm or something creepy like that. GREAT TV WATCHING THOUGH.

RuPaul. Maybe it's just me but watching a man, who might be gay dance with a man who has made a career in being a drag queen just seems like a great idea. I just hope RuPaul doesn't break a heal or anything like that, because that might he heart breaking. Actually, think that RuPaul might have an unfair advantage.

Richard Simmons. Another fruity type, I know but if were going to have a man in drag, then we should also have a man acting "funny" as a man. Having him be his “quirky” self is enough. Though I can only imagine how difficult it would be to get him in a tux, instead of those “fruity” shorts. It seems that he's not on TV anymore after Letterman sprayed him with the fire extinguisher.

Sandra Bernhard. Another one of those “disappear of the face of the earth” types but let's face it. That's the type of celebrities that appear on these shows so she's perfect. Then again, I did see her on a episode of the new “Dragnet” a little while ago. Too bad it was cancelled because Ed O'Neil as a cop rocks.

Howard Stern. Yes I said HOWARD STERN. He's been bitching and complaining about how his ideas are ripped off and how he's not taken seriously. Well here's his chance to show another side of the “King of All Media”. I can imagine him asking his dance partner about her cup size and saying how he looks like a “fag” doing this.

Connie Chung. Alright Connie can't be doing too much and her career has gone downhill since she “fooled” Newt Gingrinch's mother by claiming that no one would fine out when she called Hillary Clinton “a bitch” but hey, she can be funny. She was good on Letterman and when she played herself on that one episode of “Murphy Brown”

Paul Teutul Sr. He's already a reality TV star on American Chopper. We all love it when he and Paul Jr. start screaming at each other. I can just imagine Paul accidentally snapping his partner's back with those huge arms of his. “Ummm sorry bout that, PAUL GET YOUR ASS IN HERE AND FIX THIS”.

Jenna Jameson. Every show has to have some sort of sex appeal and what better way to add some than to add a porn star. She's done mainstream stuff before (I think she has), She did some voice work on Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, along with Burt Reynolds, Ray Liotta and Dennis Hopper so she has worked with real actors. It will also give the perverts someone to cheer for.

I'll be honest, I would end up watching the show, just to see the people and how they are holding out. That's the same reason I watch “Hit Me Baby 1 More Time” I thought it was great to see these old performers after all these years, fat and bald. I even got into an argument with someone over Tiffany; was she fat or pregnant. I'm still not sure but I think she was preggers. Maybe it would turn the show into a train wreck but isn't that why everyone watched “The Simple Life” with Paris Hilton?

My 2 bytes,

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