A real Canadian Pizza

Yesterday I’m working at the grocery store, putting sales tags on the shelves in the freezer, specifically the frozen pizza’s when I come to the “Canadian” pizza, which happens to be pepperoni, mushrooms, and bacon. I want to know what jackass decided that a Canadian pizza should be just though three ingredients. Whoever they are, they’re no Canadian.

As I thought about this more and more, I just got more annoyed by the idea of some corporate weasel in some office in the U.S. deciding what a Canadian pizza should be, so I’ve decided that I will define what Canadian should be.

First off, we do not limit ourselves to three toppings, Canada is a multicultural country, so we need many toppings to represent our diversity, the more the better; lots of meat, lots of vegetables and lots of cheese, and not just cheddar, but other cheeses including feta. I love feta.

We also need a big crust, no little crusts on this pizza. Canada is a big place and were going to need lots of crust to hold the diversity of all the different types of toppings.

So what some of you are thinking that “big deal, it’s a pizza with everything on it’, but I say. Oh no, were not done here, we’ve just started. This pizza must also come with a DVD of some of the greatest play off hockey games ever. There is one thing that brings all Canadian together, and that’s our hockey. I myself and looking forward to meeting up with some friends on “The Red Mile” soon, as the play offs start. Hockey brings Canadians together, only hockey would bring a Sikh, a Native, a Newfie, a Quebecer and and an Albertan together around a radio listening to the Flames score against the Red Wings. At that point, were just Canadians who love the game.

As well, with the Pizza pack should come a 12 pack of beer. Actually make it a 8 pack and 4 wine coolers, for the ladies who aren’t into beer. After all, if you’re eating pizza, and watching a hockey game, you need something to wash it down with.

There's also something people should know about our alcohol in Canada. It's stronger than the stuff across the border so we need to take some extra precautions. Sue Johanson, one of Canada's great heroes and educators once said that every case of beer should come with 3 condoms, making a case a beer the ultimate party pack, so we'd better include them as well. After all, Canadian are a friendly people.

So I present to you, the Canadian Pizza, with all the needed extra, so people can have a truly Canadian experience.

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STOP STARING AT ME YOU COW

I'm at home, eatting some Blueberry Yogurt and the cow on the container won't stop staring at me. STOP IT YOU CREEPY LOOKING COW!!!

MOOOOO OFF COW.

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The Clip of the Week (Battlestar Galatica Top Ten List)

BSG (Battlestar Galatica for the non geeks) is coming back next week. To honor this event,here's the Letterman Top Ten List

I WANT THIS!!!

I remember playing with Legos as a kid. I would make a lot of cool stuff with the limited amount of legos that I had. I always wanted more legos. MORE DAMMIT, but alas, my cries feel of deaf ears. Then I lost my interest in Legos, about the same time that my Boob Fetish started to appear, but today, I present something that would bring back to Legos and say, Goodbye Boob Fetish. Yes someone brought Futurama and Legos together.

Now this isn't an official Lego set, this is some person who spent hours and hours on this creation. Someone who is very creative and does NOT have a boob fetish. There's nothing more inspiring than nerds at play. Alright, I'm being a little unfair. Perhaps the creator of this work was doing this, while hiding in the basement which his significant other was going through the Hormone Roller coaster (I saw it on an episode of Rosanne once). Either way, I'm impressed with it, and it's almost enough to get me to start playing with Legos again...almost. What I fear is that my boob fetish and the Legos would converge and I would make Lego boobs, and bruise my tongue trying to play with them.

I'm actually impressed with the whole set though. This person took the time to not only create Planet Express and the spaceship, but he made all the characters from the snow and a suicide booth. The Slurm billboard is also a nice touch.

I seriously would like to spend some time with a couple of Lego sets and mess around like the computer nerd that I am. I would love to take some time and get creative with Legos. Create building and vehicles and create scenes. I haven't done anything like that since I was a kid, but it would be a great way to relieve stress. A way to being creative, because most of us don't have the time to be creative anymore. It's all work, work, work. If I could spend some time with Legos, I could take some time to enjoy myself and get creative, and not care about masturbating.

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I'm really stretching here

I remember, as a kid, watching this show called Ray Bradbury Chronicles, and in the introduction he would go on how all he had to do to get an idea to write about was look around his office, and an object would give him inspiration. What a load of crap!!! Don’t get me wrong, I think Ray Bradbury is a great author, but getting an idea by simply looking around his office? Well he did have a lot of crap in there. I say this because once again I’m lacking inspiration.

After looking at my cubicle, I’ve decided that “this is bullshit”. Then I realized that cubicles are meant to be devoid of any form of character. All that is there is my work space is my PC, a phone, some papers, and junk. Oh and my toy helicopter, but the skids on the thing are broken, and management keeps stealing it to play with.

So I take a walk through the warehouse and walk in the aisle where they keep the chocolate bars; different brands like Areo, Smartest, Big Turk, and many others. While I do like chocolate, I can only take it in small doses. Then I walk into a different aisle where they store the condoms. Once again, different types, and different names, and then I thought, what if the people who named the condoms switched jobs with the people who named the chocolate bars? Once again, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m a twisted puppy.

So here’s the nasty list I came up with.

Coffee Crisp (which is a light snack).

Eatmore (nuff said)

Big Turk

Hershey Kisses.

Mirage.

Oh Henry!

Rolo.

Snickers.

Starburst

Sweet Marie

Wunderbar

See this is further proof that Ray Bradbury is full of crap.

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Personal Time

This morning I read a news article which really made me sad. It also made me concerned about how we work ourselves too hard and don’t take time to enjoy the simple things in life. It made me think that “me” time become harder and harder to find. Yes like the article I read this morning, I too and finding more difficult to find time to masturbate.

I read about this single mom, balancing her career and her 3 kids, and how all her time is taken up between the two. How it’s so bad that she can’t find 20 minutes to “rub one off”. How she doesn’t have time for some “personal satisfaction”.

I feel her pain. I really do. I would like to lend her a hand with this problem. I’m pretty sure that I could help her with this, if it weren’t for one thing. I also find it hard to find time to masturbate. Between the two job, working on my e-commerce site, and co-managing a super group in City of Heroes, I don’t have time to spank it.

I think it’s sad when I can’t spare time to download photoshopped pictures of Jessica Alba, Angelina Jolie, or Hillary Clinton, where they’re doing some nasty stuff and “spank the monkey”. It’s really sad I think that I can’t spare time to bond with my “one eyed trouser snake”.

But seriously, isn’t not right that people don’t have time for the simple pleasures anymore. It’s a world of Go Go Go. Where we carry Blackberries or other Smart Phones so we can send e-mails back and forth about work related crap. I’ve seen it many times on train, when I’m heading home. I just want to grab the thing and throw it out the window, and tell that person that it can wait until tomorrow.

I see this kind of behavior all the time and I’m fed up with it. I’m fed up with myself. I keep telling myself that one day, I’m going to be able to enjoy life. That one day, I’ll take up Scuba Diving, Sky Diving; I’ll learn to fly a plane. I’ll travel around to world. I’ll get to do stuff, and I want to be able to do this stuff when I’m still able to enjoy it and be adventurous. Oh and I want time to “wank it”

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The Clip of the Week (Someone is F@ing Matt Damon)

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This thing is creepy

Note: I’ve been suffering from bloggers block for sometime, so what I’ve decided to do is go back to basics. Stop trying to blog about myself and go back to the absurd and “potentially” naughty. You’ve been warned.

So I’m looking for inspiration for things to blog about, by going online and going to a few sites that I haven’t been too in a while. It was there that I found, the Area 51 Love Doll. WHO THE HELL THINKS OF THESE THINGS!!!!

So I’m looking at the picture of the package and I’m thinking, “there are some really strange perverts out there”. Seriously this green inflatable companion has three boobs. THREE BOOBS!!!! I remember seeing that in Total Recall and to be honest, I was creeped out by it. Two boobs, normal, three boobs, strange. Yuck. Oh and these boobs are huge, so this alien must have some serious back problems, or it’s from a planet with less gravity than ours. Bottom line, CREEPY!!!!

I also noticed that it has 2 navels, no biggie there, it was by the words “3 out of this world love holes”. I’ve never heard the term “love hole” before, and I hope to never hear it again. LOVE HOLE!!! That’s just a nice way of saying “a place to stick your deal in”.

So three holes, and I noticed that her (I guess it’s technically a her) mouth actually another…yeah that. So how does this thing eat? How does this thing…never mind, I just got a nasty thought in my head. Ok there are some sick people out there.

Oh and good news, it comes with free alien lube. I don’t know for sure, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was green. Yuck.

So let’s review, this love doll has three boobs, two navels and 2 …cha chas.; one of them on her face. Who the hell would want this thing? I think their aiming at the sci-fi loving, living in their parent’s basement crowd. There are the same dweebs who are visit the nude Klingon sites (go look for them yourselves).

Now here’s the interesting thing, you can buy this thing Amazon for less than $30. So that’s actually in the basement dwellers price range, who usually have minimum wage jobs. So they might be selling a lot of these things. Selling them to “backed up”, sci-fi watching, comic book reading, video game playing, basement dwelling virgin geeks.

Maybe it’s not a bad marketing ideas, but dammit, if the comic book guy from The Simpsons were to try thing, he’d kill it.

Bottom line, this thing is disgusting.

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Things that I won't blog about.

Aw crap. I can’t think of anything to blog about again. Sheesh, you think I’d be able to pull this stuff out of my ass and no I’m not going to blog about my ass. While there are many things that I would blog about, there are some subjects that I will avoid, because…I don’t want to talk about them.

One thing I’m not comfortable about is blogging about “doing the nasty”. Sure I’ve indirectly talked about “the nasty” by referring to certain products, I would never actually talk about my experiences where I’ve “laid some pipe”, or “sent out for sushi”. It‘s just doesn’t seem right.

I also would never blog about how I shouldn’t eat bananas because of the adverse side effects that I and people around me would experience. Anyway I would never blog about that.

I would never blog about I haven’t stepped into a McDonald's since the incident with the Hepatitis A, and had to get those 2 needles.

I will never blog about the fall of Mark Hamill. He was Luke Skywalker dammit and now what does he do? He used to do the voice of the joker in the Batman cartoon and he did play himself in that one episode of The Simpsons…but where is he now? He should write Star Wars novels dammit. He’s make a killing.

I would never blog a list of women I want to “boink”. The issue is that everyone would just go EWWWWW!!!!

I would never blog how I sniff a permanent felt tip marker to get a quick high at work. Oh and if I get in trouble, I’d just say, “the HR lady gave it to me”.

I would never blog about my psoriasis, but if I were, it would be able how’s it’s going away and how I’m looking forward to using the damn pool in my building. I’ve lived there for almost a year and yet I’ve haven’t gone swimming yet.

I won’t blog about how my feet stink after working at the grocery store, wearing the black socks and those shoes for my 4 or 8 hour shift. It’s so bad that I need to wash my feel when I get home.

I will never blog about my poop.

Well I’m sure there are other things that I would never blog about, but next time I’ll be more positive.

Oh and people, give Mark Hamill a chance.

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The Clip of the Week (A Special Comment)

I don't normally post videos about U.S. Politics but there's something about Keith Olbermann; his rant style, mixed with a dash of "how dare you", that I just love.

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Photo Friday (This kitty has the right idea)

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Stupid Mannequins

Yesterday I’m in a mall, to pick up a prescription when I look through the windows of one of the many shops and I see nude chrome mannequins. Now I’ve never liked those things, even as a kid I would have nightmare about the damn things, but now they’re making them headed and out of chrome?

I wanted to take a picture but I figured that security would ban me from the mall for taking pictures of naked mannequins, and wouldn’t that be something to explain to my mom and dad when they come to visit. “Sorry mom, I’m banned from that mall because I took pictures of naked mannequins.

So here’s my theory. These are suppose to be headless fembots, and when dressed, everyone will want to wear those clothes, because the look good with the gold or silver chrome of the mannequins. Maybe people are less offended by naked chrome mannequins as opposed to naked flesh coloured mannequins. While I did seem to like the way that the mannequin’s boobs were shaped, I did feel safe knowing that there weren’t any nipples on the things. I’ve sorry, but seeing hard nipples on mannequins freaks me out. I don’t need to see a horny mannequin who’s ready to party.

The more I think about it, the safer I feel about chrome mannequins. They’re less human and don’t threaten me as a result. Besides, I’m pretty sure that they’re plastic and I could easily smash them if they attacked. The wooden flesh coloured ones would be more of a threat.

Hopefully this is a sign of things to come. The rise of the nippleless chrome plastic mannequins; and the fall of the freaky flesh coloured nipple bearing wooden mannequins. I feel better already.

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Tales from the Great White North is Literature

It’s a new day…or some crap like that. I find myself lost for words right now. I’m not sure what to blog about so I’ve decided to wing it. Wing it has produced many great posts, such as the nipples on mannequins post to many other depraved works of literature. Is a blog post literature?

So I’ve looked up literature using the “lookup function” in Word and the first definition I get is “written works with artistic value” then it goes on abut drama, fiction…blaa blaa blaa, and it ends that it has to be “recognized as having important or permanent artistic value”. Recognized by whom I ask? By some snobby old guy with a lot of old books like the guy who hosts Masterpiece Theatre? I admit that the rant about the guy in the business suit in front of me at Safeway might not be considered literature, but the Bad Catholic post came from my heart as well as my mind. So Old Buzzards, stay away from my blog. You and your snobbish ways are not welcome here.

Then I looked at the second definition, “body of written works” and then it goes on “the body of written works of a culture, language, people or period of time” and give the example of Russian literature. So snobby old coots with big ass libraries be damned, my blog is now literature. It can be defined as “Canadian Literature” or better yet, “Early Blogosphere Literature”. In fact I now embrace that title. Tales from the Great White North is now Blogosphere Literature. WOOT. Now I feel a need to enjoy a Cappuccino, and act all fancy and snobby at a Starbucks or Second Cup.

Actually this feels like a shallow victory. I was hoping that I would have to fight for my right to have my blog labeled “Literature”, but it was just handed to me. This is no fun winning this easy, then again it beats hours of begging (not that I beg, I never beg, I mean never mind).

Awhile back I remember blogging about an online friend who is a published author. It was a work of fiction and there was a point in the book where they were talking about Werewolves shitting all over the living room, so I think I this blog can be defined as literature.

The remaining problem is that you can't take my blog to the bathroom to read, but then again, that might be a good thing

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Ouch

So I had a week off. It was nice to get away from the main job, though I still did the weekend job, but still. 5 days off isn’t a bad thing. Anyway I’m back and things are as usual. BLEECH.

So today I’m using a box cutter to open a box and OUCH. I cut my finger…again. Let me explain. I have a history of cutting my finger with this knife, from little cuts to removing of flesh from my finger. This knife has a thirst for blood, my blood and somehow I think that the knife’s thirst will ever be quenched. So today I’m wearing a band aid.

Actually it’s a good thing that I work for a pharmaceutical wholesaler. That way there are always bandages, Polysporin, and all that other stuff. The problem is that my injuries always seem to come from “that knife”

At home I have sharps things, including a meat cleaver but I never hurt myself on those things, I only hurt myself on that stupid box cutter knife.

Maybe I have the Vampire Box Cutter in my desk and I don’t realize it. Perhaps it’s collecting enough blood to be used in a ceremony to bring forth the Anti-Christ. Perhaps I’m being clutzy.

Either way, once again, I have a boo boo on one of my fingers.

Me Time

So I've decided the take the week off. It was getting to the point that even the little things were really starting to piss me off. It felt like doing anything, was a living hell, including updating the blog, (and I enjoy doing this). So it's Wednesday and I've come to the conclusion that I really don't want to go back to that job, ever, but alas, I need to find something new. Oh and I didn't the the job I interviewed for a week ago.

The problem now is that since I've been spending the week goofing off, I really dpn't have much to write about except... IKEA.

Yesterday,I took a trip to IKEA to buy a mini computer desk. I sold my old computer desk before I moved and my plan was to buy a big ass plasma TV and use it as a computer monitor and buy a wireless keyboard and do all my computer stuff from my couch. Well I never bought the TV, and I got tired of the temporary arrangement where I had my computer, so I bought a 30 IKEA desk, put it together and set it up at the end of my couch, so now I can sit comfortably on my couch as I use my PC to blog, work on the site, watch vidoes, or whatever. Bottom line, I'm happy and comfy.

I did have one problem though. I didn't want to leave IKEA. I love everything about IKEA. I wish I have a monster gift card and I would redecorate my place IKEA STYLE. I can picture it now, new dining room table, new couch, new chair, new bed, and all the cool little nick nacks that they have there. Most of my dishes, and cutlery are IKEA (except for the stuff the my mommy and daddy game me). There' just something right about IKEA, right down to the 99 cent breakfasts at their restaurant.

As for the coments from people who didn't know what Battlestar Galatica was... ***sigh***.

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I took one of those online quizes

Which Battlestar Galactica Character Are You?

More on Battlestar Galactica. Created by BuddyTV

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