I wasted a week of my life.

Seriously. All I did was play Star Trek Online and meet with some job recruiters. Well, the job thing is good, but staying home all week playing videogames? Even I now concede that was all Bullshit.

I talk about doing things like writing a book, which I have started, then I get the idea for the second book which will be fiction, but can I actually get off my ass and do something? No. Instead I spend my week playing a videogame. I know better than this.

I've meet many people who complain about their lives and do nothing about it, and I'm scared that I might become one of them. Heck I haven't blogged in a week.

One of the things that I've been debating is if I should get a bus pass for the month of March. Is this something that I really need? Well after some thought, I decided yes even though it's more money that I'll have to pull from my savings. Sure I live downtown, and everything I need access too is in walking distance, but still, I need to feel like I have the freedom to go anywhere I want to in the city. I did the math, and it would be cheaper, but it's more than money, it's my freedom.

I also think my insecurities are also playing a major role in what is basically my fear of the outside world. i think it shows as well. I appear nervous in front of others in interviews and it's showing. It's being commented on by the headhunters, and I need to do something about it. I was reading one of Vics tweets, and she mentioned Toastmasters International. I've heard of this group before and considered becoming a member, or even attending a meeting. I did a web search and picked where I was going to go and meeting. I'm all set but now that I'm thinking about it, I'm getting scared. Me in a room filled with new people? What the hell am I thinking?

What I'm thinking is that I need to do this. I need to gain some self confidence, because right now I have NONE. ZERO. NADA, and how do I expect someone to hire me and have confidence in me when I don't even have it in myself?

The book has suffered as well. I haven't written a thing in the past week, and that isn't good either. I'm not thinking that my book is going to be part of the Oprah book club, but I need to do something. I don't want a repeat of last week. Sure I managed to get my first toon to the rank of Rear Admiral on Star Trek Online, but an employer doesn't give a crap about that. So tomorrow, I need to do a lot of follow-up calls on potential job opportunities. I need to get up early and do something. I need to regain control of my life.

I need to get off my ass and do something.

My 2 Bytes.

It's all about the Yadda Yadda,

I'm doing better, but not great. Then again, for me great would be wining the lottery and spending the rest of my life in the lap of luxury, for the rest of my life, I'm ok for now. Just ok.

I picked up a book at the library today, something recommended by a online friend. I hope she doesn't mind me calling her a friend. I started to read "How to stop Worrying and Start Living", as recommended by Olly. I haven't gotten to far into the book yet, but I'm hoping it will help. I've also added another one of the authors book on my library hold list.

I still haven't told my mom and dad about not loosing my job, and I'm still hoping that I won't have too, until I get a new job, so they won't worry. To be honest, considering how well I'm doing so far in the job search, I don't think that it will be much longer before I find something. My skills and experience are in demand after all.

I do have a problem with the blog though. I now find myself thinking that my blog ideas should go into the book instead. I'm going to have to find that balance soon between what goes into the book and what goes into the blog. Is there a reason why it can't go into both? I need some feedback on this.

There is one thing that is pissing me off however. Once again, I'm missing an Olympic Games in Canada. This time because I can't afford to go. The last time was my parents fault. They've never been into big cities and they tend to shun them, while I'm the exact opposite. I love walking downtown in the valleys between the glass towers of a major city. I remember just before the Calgary Olympics, my family moved east to Ontario. I DID NOT take it well, and to this day, I feel that this move did sabotage my life in some way.

I've always found small towns to be ...small minded and suffocating. There isn't anything to do. There's nowhere to go other than a local bar (BORING). If you want to see a hockey game, all you have is a local minor team, and some don't even have that. I live within walking distance of the Saddledome, where NHL hockey is played. This city once hosted the world for the world as Vancouver is doing now.

I really shouldn't be blaming my dad for being trapped in a small no future town, but it was his fault. I tried to get any old job just to earn enough money to move out of there, and start a new life but I couldn't even do that. I guess my dad and I just see the world differently. Thank God for that, because I do not want to be my father.

I'm still looking for focus in life right now, and it's just isn't happening. My spirit is all over the place, unable to focus on one thing for long. At least I'm not freaking out anymore. I still have 2 weeks before I have to start doing that, and by that time, I won't have to.

My 2 bytes

I'm just taking it one step at a time or yadda yadda.

I swear the days are dragging. I keep thinking that it can't be Wednesday, it should be Thursday, or Friday, but no. It's only Wednesday.

I've only applied for 1 job this week, but on the bright side, I'm on the short list for two other jobs. I like being on the short list, but I'd rather be the one hired, but if I'm making it this far, then I must be doing something right.

So far, all I've done is thought about the book. I was suppose to actually write something this week, but I'll do that tomorrow. I'm still going into this blindly, and I'm probably going to go the self publishing route, but I do have a plan to promote it. What my plan is, I'm not telling. I don't want to give away my idea yet.

I'm trying to stop myself from falling back into old habits, but it can be hard sometimes. My apartment is starting to look sloppy again, so after I'm done writing here, I'm going to clean up again. The good news is that it's not so bad.

I keep thinking about life, and how...mundane it seems to be. Work, go home, rest, repeat. I this really what live is all about? Recently I confessed that I'm doing the IT thing because I want to be able to have skills that are in demand. I don't find it rewarding at all. I do find helping people rewarding, but that's about it. I don't find anything else really exciting about my life, my career, or lack of career. I think the book is me raging against the dying of my light.I used to feel that way a lot when I was working at K&F. That place tried to turn me into a drone.

I think the biggest blow was the postponing of the trip to London. I wanted to go so badly. I was even planing to do a stopover in Iceland, but now...that money is paying next month's rent. I need to start over again. I honestly think that this was worse than the job loss, but like I said, it's a postponement, not a cancellation. I will go to London in 2011 instead, after I meet my friends in San Diego that year as well. I refuse to give up. I won't allow myself to do that.

I seem to have no focus lately, but at least I'm blogging. I only blogged 21 times in 2009, and I'm already two thirds of the way to that and it's still February, so I am back.

Right now, I'm pouring my heart and soul into the screen, and I find myself wondering if anyone cares? Is anyone left who visits to care? Again I blame a dismal 2009 blogging year for that, but again that thought won't leave me. Am I alone?

I think what would cure all my woes is for me to win the frigging lottery. If that happened...say this weekend, then I'll be a lot more secure and I'll start looking at other things, other than day to day life. The ability to be free and go to London and visit Vics. To buy a vehicle and a video camera and vlog my journeys across Canada, from Vancouver to St John's Newfoundland.

The key is that I can't give up. I've seen people give up, and they spend their time in a job that they hate for the rest of their lives. I won't let that happen to me.

My 2 Bytes.

I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm gonna do it anyway.

I keep thinking about the book idea, which just came to me when I was blogging a few days ago and I still like the idea. I have no idea how to proceed yet, but I am doing to do it, and I'm going to start right now. Here is the Preface of my book.

...

PREFACE.

I have always wanted to be the person who took "the road less traveled", but unfortunately, that hasn't always worked out for me. I started out wanting to get into television news gathering. I wanted to be a news camera covering event around the world , but that never happened. I also wanted to be a stand up comic. Getting on stage and making people laugh, and get paid for it, but that never happened either. The problem was I listened to people. I listened to people who told me that I couldn't be a comic, or told me which school I should go, and ...I became neither.

I eventually sold out, like most other people I know and ended up at DeVry to earn a degree in computer something or other. Again, things didn't start well after the degree, but I did stick with it and ended up landing a good job. That was then.

Now I'm unemployed, and I'm once again considering my possibilities. While the idea of being unemployed for a long term is unlikely, since I now have skills in demand, but do I want to spend the rest of my life dealing with computer crap, or do I once again want to take the "road less traveled".

I got the idea for this book while writing a blog post in the food court of a mall of all places, but if you really think about it, doesn't it really make sense? The center of our society are now packed into balls after all, from Game Stop to Victoria's Secrets; it's all there. It's the center of our world today.

...

Ok that's just the first draft and I'm sure that it's going to change a lot over the coming months, and write the yet to be titled book. I do have a working title though, it's "What the hell is wrong with you people". I told myself that I'm going to write at least an hour a day, until it's done. I'm still not sure what everything that's going to be in the book, but I sort of know where to start.

I'm gonna do this, and I'm not going to make any excuses for not finishing what I started, and I did start. I wrote the preface after all.

My 2 Bytes

Yadda Yadda from the library.

Well, the good news. I had a second interview today, and I think it went well. I'll know more next week. The bad news is that I didn't get the first job. It turns out it was filled internally so even the head hunter looses out on it, but he told me to call him back in two weeks.

I can't believe that it's been two weeks since I've become unemployed. I really don't like it. It sucks not knowing if you can afford to pay your rent in the near future. I can afford to pay it in March however. I'm trying not to get depressed about it again. After all, I do have a second possible job.

I've decided that I like the people at the library less than the people at the mall. I don't know what it is, but there's just something different here. I'm sorry but the people here are uglier.

I picked up my first book about writing, well professional writing. It's just something that I think I can do. At the very least, I'll be able to say that I wrote something other than a blog. I think I'm going to take some time making sure I know what I'm going to write about. I'm thinking it will be a commentary like Denis Leary's book, or Craig Ferguson's book. If they can do this so can I.

I think the hard part initially will be to get my butt started, but I'm sure I can do it. I know I can. I need to be the person who does the other thing, I want my friends to know me as the author. Sure lots of people write books, and even if it doesn't sell well initally I have a plan for that too.

I'm also thinking about writing some fiction as well, but not till the first book is done. I need to learn how to flesh out plots and stuff like that. Unless I end up writing porn, then it's a lot of OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD !!!!

I think eventually I want to write science fiction or fantasy, but for now I'm gonna try the commentary thing first.

Right now across the lobby there's a tv showing some stuff about the Olympics, and I really couldn't give a crap. I remember once being excited about stuff like that but lately, I've become so jaded. It's almost like I've become like the person who I work across from.

My dad is like that. We would never go to cool stuff like that because of whatever reason he would make up. I hope I'm not turning into that. That's one of the reasons why I'm writing the book is because my dad never wrote a book. My dad never went to London, and I will go next year I swear it.

Oh, I still don't give a crap about the Olympics.

I think the library is closing soon, so I'm going to head out.

My 2 bytes.

I'm out and about....ok it's yadda yadda,

I'm mall blogging today, just because I couldn't take my apartment. It's not the apartment itself, but the lack of people in the place that was driving me crazy. So right now I'm at the food court of South Center Mall, using their free Wi-Fi to blog (since I'm using their free Wi Fi, the least I can do is post a link). However, while I'm with people, I'm still alone. I don't know any of these people. I'm not having a conversation with anyone, but at least there are people around.

I also went to the doctor to see if my medication was in, nope. She said I should have called, but I just wanted to talk to someone who knew my name.

Actually I need to go to Cheers, where they would yell my name as I entered the establishment. What I want to know is how could Norm frequent that bar so many times and not be a frigging alcoholic. Anyways....

I'm not sure which malls have free Wi-Fi in town but it's easy to check. I know that the airport does, so maybe I'll try to blog there again.

I've been thinking about my options again. It turns out that once the Unemployment Benefits start, I can look into taking some courses to upgrade my skills. Stuff that I want to do, but I either don't have the time, or the money...or surprise...BOTH.

I'm trying to be positive about this, I really am, but let's face it. Life is hard sometimes. I think I know who to blame, the Night. It seems to me that my mood goes bad after the sun goes down, which is fairly early in these parts. Last night, when I went to bed, I even wished that I wouldn't wake up again. Alright, I'm not suicidal; well not really, but the word has passed from my lips for quite awhile, but enough about that. That all comes back to my self worth being related to my bank account, and I know it.

I've been toying with other ideas as well. Maybe I can write a book? Why not? Heck, I can even write it as a blog, write a page a day, and post it on a blog, which I'll post and who knows...maybe it will get published or something. Maybe a comical book. After all I'm a smart guy then I'll publish it with lulu.com and sell it on Amazon. Who knows what will happen. At the least, I can add author to my resume. Who knows, maybe I could make a career of it and become a professional writer, and buy a home in the country like Stephen King or something. Then I'll be able to take that shameful donate button off the blog.

It's something to do with my time, I'm only spend an hour or two job searching a day. I like this idea. I just need to figure out what my premise is.

My 2 bytes

I have no shame.

I've been pretty good this week, until I made the mistake of calling the Employment Canada people to check the status of my claim. Turns out that they have up to 28 days to process my claim. I panicked again.

I'm better now, but not knowing is going to drive me up crazy with panic. I just hate not knowing what's going to happen. It's like I can't see 3 feet in front of me and I'm running. Is there something that I'm going to trip on, or am I going to run into a wall? What will my future hold?

Right now, I see several ways that this can turn out. The first is that I get a new job soon, as in the next month or so. I even had an interview today, and should hear about the second interview by Friday, so I'm hopeful. The second, is I get my EI benefits, and get a subsidy for my rent (rent is the highest in Canada), and I'll be ok for the year, while I look for work and see if I can take a few courses to upgrade my resume. The third is I don't get EI, and forced to apply for welfare, and get a bigger rent subsidy. Lastly, I fail to get everything and end up homeless on the street, until June when I would fly home on the plane ticket I already bought and paid for, and start all over again. Needless to say, the last option scares the hell out of me. It also wants me to say...FUCK YOU PARIS HILTON. Having everything handed to you. I'm reasonably confident that the last option will not happen, but I still can't stop thinking about it. I know the key is to not think about it, and blogging about it doesn't help.

Then I remembered a fad back when times were better, cyber begging. People would ask for donations because they were out of work, they needed help paying off their credit cards, whatever. I'm not sure if this went away or not, but I'm gonna bring it back.

There's my donate button. I'm shamelessly begging for money...from Paris Hilton. C'mon Paris. Give me some MONEY.

I don't know if it's a good idea or not, but it's better than living on the street.

To be honest, I'm far from that point, and I honestly don't think that it's gonna happen, but still. It's on the back of my mind. At least I know I can cover next month's rent. Not everyone on the streets tonight can even cover this night's rent.

I've seen many of them in the library recently, and they don't appear to be dumb people. They're there to read as well as pass the time, and they're reading real books, so they're not dumb. I'm noticing them more now because of my current situation.

I'm really hoping the job comes through, and I'll be work by next week. Then I won't have to delay my trip to London by much. Maybe push it to September. Then again I could go next week if Paris Hilton would CLICK MY DONATE BUTTON. That sounds kinda dirty actually.

My 2 bytes

I'm feeling much better now.

Well, I managed to get through last night's and this morning mental breakdown without hurting myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not out of the woods yet, but at least, I'm not as screwed as I thought I was. Don't get me wrong, I'm still screwed, but I'm not homeless.

I want to thank Cat for helping me get through the worst of it. She's the one who help me get through the worst of it. She was there for me, and I heart her very much. It's nice to know that there are people out there like her. Also, thanks for the support Letti. It's nice to know that people do care.

One thing did seriously piss me off though. I've since removed the comment, but someone thought that a good way to comment about me freaking out on my blog was to put some Chinese spam in my comments. This has happened to me before, but for it to happen in that post? HAVE SOME FRIGGIN CLASS.

To be fair, I'm sure that the person who posted it, didn't speak English, but geeze.

I got...nothing else. I guess I'm still a little freaked out.

My 2 bytes

I feel alone...

It's been 2 days since I lost my job, and to be honest I'm scared that I might end up on the street.

I applied for Unemployment, but the big concern is my debt. Specifically one of my student loans. I pay $575 a month on this loan and there's no way in hell that I can pay that without a job. Also, to make matters worse, I was sued for that amount. I've been making the payments, but what now? Are they going to be jerks about it? What are the rules that they have to follow? Will they show some compassion, and say screw you and enforce a judgement to have 30% of my unemployment stripped from my unemployment benefits? I'm scared.

I'm scared that I'm not going to be able to afford my rent and end up on the street. I'm scared that I'm going to be homeless. I'll have nowhere to go.

I'll be honest, I don't really have friends...here in the city. I have "work friends", but not someone who'll let me stay with them. I don't have any buddies in the city. At least I have the second job, and I do have money put away, but my plan to go to London is shot. When I spoke to the people from Unemployment, they seemed to act like there wouldn't be a problem for me to be getting my benefits. I'm just scared of the government and the $575 a month payment. How am I going to cover that? Am I going to have to go out and start collecting bottles from dumpsters like some homeless person?

Again, it all comes down to being alone. I called my mom and dad on Tuesday, but I didn't tell them about the loss of my job. I didn't want them to worry. I don't want them trying to help me. They're retired now and they have to take care of themselves. They can't take care of me.

I would feel better if...I could move in with a buddy for awhile and become a roommate or something, but I don't know know anyone that well, and the idea of moving in with a stranger...does not make me feel comfortable.

Right now, I feel like I need a hug, I need to talk with someone, but I don't have anyone that I know that well.

Last night I went out with some friends from the former work place, and we chatted, talked and they said some real nice things to me, I thought I was going to cry when I thanked everyone for the kind words. Everyone at the company was great except the the person I had to work with directly. The comment that was made most last night was why does the guy who put the hole in the wall gets to keep his job, but the nice guy everyone likes looses his? That's the one good thing about all this. I don't have to see him anymore.

It really was a great place to work. It was the direct opposite of Kohl and Frisch, the place I worked at before. At K&F, I dreaded going into work, but at the last place, I loved it. Oh for the record, I'm not going to mention the place I used to work out of respect for the company, which I still have, and the fact that the person I used to work with has a Google alert on the company name so he's see my post. To tell you how cool the last place I worked is, the VP of HR told me to call her anytime, if I need to talk and has also said that she would be a reference for me. She, and the other HR person have both gone out of their way to help me, even after I left. I even have both their cell numbers, if I need to call. I could call them, but...I can't. I just feel like I need to keep it professional. I've even considered seeing a psychologist. I know someone who's knows a thing or two about that. I'll ask her.

My 2 Bytes.

I'm not hungry, I'm not tired. I don't know what I feel.

It's not a good day. I lost my job. Well, technically I didn't loose it, but if I were to go there now, someone else will be sitting at my desk. I know I should be feeling something, but I don't. I just feel nothing. I should be panicking over the loss of my job, but I'm not. Actually I feel sad, but not for the reason you might think.

Everyone has worked in places that they've hated. I've been there as well. The thing is that this wasn't one of those places. I loved going there, and there were good people there too. It wasn't perfect, but damn close. I'm really going to miss everyone.

The thing that does suck is that odds are my August plan to go to London are on hold. I'm not sure if I can go at this point. I'm keeping all trip money for living expenses, at least until I know what's going on with my life. When the Unemployment starts coming in and things like that, or better yet. Getting a new job.

I've been getting a lot of well wishers from work too, mostly from Facebook. Apparently a lot of people were sadden by my departure, though I'm more sadden. They still have jobs. Well, I do still have the second job on the weekends. I could ask for more hours, but I'm not ready to do that just yet. Working in a Supermarket isn't the greatest thing in the world.

I've been updating my resume tonight, and the good news is that I seem to have more skills, to offer than the last time I was job hunting, so hopefully, I'll be able to snag something that much quicker.

I really don't have much else to say...excpet that, if somone has a good paying job for me, please let me know.

My 2 Bytes