Friday, April 23, 2010

I have to go home.

My father passed away earlier this week. I feel horrible. I've been able to keep it out of my mind most of the time, but today I have to face reality head on. I'm not looking forward to it.

After my last blog post, I took a look at how many airmiles I had saved and it turns out that I had enough for one more flight, so I booked it. I could only get a flight to Toronto. My sister-in-law has to pick me up at the airport before we endure a 4 hour drive with my nephews.

The whole idea of being an uncle has always seemed foreign to me. I guess that's the advantage of living thousands of kilometers away from family. Isolating myself over the going ons of family. Over the years I've heard about things going on back home. People getting married, people splitting up, people having kids, and people dying. I've always been able to take that information and file it under whatever, but not this time. This time reality is bitch slapping me in the face. I'm not sure how I'm going to hold out.

If you're wondering why I'm not writing about my dad, it's quite simple. I'm in a public place and I don't want to break down and start sobbing in an airport terminal. Whenever I think about him, after a few minutes later the reality sinks in


I'm having a hard enough time writing this without hearing the 15th page for passenger Davis that he need to board his plane to Vancouver.

I'm not looking forward to facing the reality about this. I want to honor him in my blog, but I can't do it. Not now, not here in the terminal of an airport. I don't want strangers see me cry, though I doubt that would happen with the constant pages.

One thing I can say is, while I didn't agree with everything he said, and I do/did...have some dad issues, I still loved him, and he will be missed. I will miss him. I love you dad.

My 2 bytes


letti said...

once again, sorry about your dad, K. Have a safe trip and you'll be in my thoughts. *hugs*

E said...

K, I am so sorry for the loss of you Dad. My thoughts are with you.... I wish I had better words to say but if you need to talk I am always here for you, you can call me anytime (do you still have my #?).

Funerals are so confusing - so many feelings and emotions and questions with the person you just lost and then seeing family and friends and meeting new people, you want to be excited and smiling but how can you be? Please know it is okay to not cry and it is okay to cry. It is okay to smile and feel good that you are spending time with your family. You don't ONLY have to feel sad. ~E

Jess said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad, K. I suck at words of encouragement and I'm not good with talking about serious stuff or emotional stuff but my thoughts are with you and I hope you're doing OK with it.

I know I don't blog very much anymore and only flip through my blog roll occasionally. Somewhere along the line a person kind of forgets that the people on that roll aren't just witty, funny little chunks of cyber spacer - they're real people. You reminded me of that.

I hope you find the balance you need with life and family and as someone with very mixed emotions about my own father I look forward to reading your honorarium to yours.