Tuesday, April 20, 2010

I don't know.

I'm conflicted right now. I got some really bad news last night. It appears that my father's time in this world is coming to an end. They're measuring his time in weeks, and they're using prime numbers.

I have to get home, but my brief stint at unemployment has decimated my savings. I can't afford to fly home. I'm worried that if I take time off I won't have enough money to pay my rent. My sister is offering to cover my flight, but still...I'm ashamed of myself.

I should be with my family right now, but instead I'm thousands of kilometers away feeling ashamed of myself. I'm not where I should be. I think that it' time to reconsider moving back east to be closer to my family. Then I'll be closer to my family. Then again, I can't afford to move anywhere right now. Everything costs money and I don't have any of it. I just started putting money away again, and it's not going to cover a flight back east. I've only been working for a month. The good news is that there will still be a job waiting for me when I get back. The boss assured me of that when I spoke to her about it. She was very supportive.

Right now I'm still in denial over the whole thing, but then again, I've been in denial about the whole cancer thing. I never mentioned it because I was so far away, I could forget it. I can't do that anymore. I've been ignoring a few things lately, hoping they go away, but they never do.


I don't know anymore.

My 2 Bytes


Olly said...

OMG. I really am so sorry you are having to go through all of this. Our lives are so similar right now. My father, too, is not long for this world. Bad heart, amongst other things.

The shame you may feel taking money from your sister to get home would be nothing compared to the regret of forever thinking "I should have gone to see him when I had the chance", Your Mom most likely would appreciate a little support, too.
Ok, not wanting to sound morbid here, but you might be receiving a little inheritance soon that should cover your trip home.

letti said...

Sorry to hear about your dad, K. Will pray for him and your situation. *major hugs*

April Howie said...

Very sorry about your dad, K. My grandfather passed away last week from cancer so I know how that part of the equation feels. Don't be too hard on yourself though. Just take it one day at a time and if that doesn't work, take it one hour at a time. Family is important but so is taking care of yourself. Hang in there <3