Tuesday, January 09, 2007

....but I'm feeling much better now

Last night I had some sort of anxiety attack. I’m sitting on my couch, watch a Margaret Cho DVD and this wave of panic overcame me. I owe a shitload of money for my student loans. I owe so much that I’m over my head. I’m the 1 in 5 grads in Canada that’s in this situation, and some people are being fair about it, but last night I got this feeling that I will NEVER get this crushing debt paid off. I feel like that I’ll be paying this student loan FOREVER. I feel like that I’ll never get to enjoy life. I feel like I’m going to be trapped in this situation forever unless I do something drastic like turn to a life of crime or flee the country. I’ve actually considered one of those options, but getting my passport is going to be difficult right now with the long line of people trying to squeeze in before the Jan 23 deadline to so they can go into the U.S.

Maybe I’m feeling like that because I’m trapped because I don’t seem to see the sun anymore. Today sunrise was at 8:38am, and I was already at work, and sunset will be at 4:50pm and I get off of work at 4:30pm but I usually don’t leave until 4:45pm. That leaves me 5 minutes of sunlight a day. Did I mention that I really hate having to wake up before the sun? This morning I slept in big time but I still managed to get to work on time. Grrr. I wanted to be late. I wanted to say, FUCK YOU. The Sun’s not up so I’m not waking up either, but my misguided sense or responsibility managed to get me here on time.

I appear to be lacking a path here once again. Last night’s panic attack really got to me. Perhaps I should look for another job. I have some ‘experience’ now, so perhaps I could find a better paying position.

My life is boring; then again I’m not doing much to make it exciting. I was listening to a podcast about Windows Vista on my way to work today. BORING, but I need to know this stuff, I guess. So its not a podcasting about people fucking like rabbits but I’m not a horny bastard. I don’t have the interest anymore. Why do I have the feeling that this means I have one foot in the grave now? I think I seriously need a hug, or maybe I should become a scientologist. I think the hug is a better idea.

My 2 Bytes.

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